Someone said that the worst thing that can happen to a man of God is a silent God. The man who does not believe in God and does not count on Him has it easier, something like that does not frighten him (at least for the time being). But on the one who has come to know, the weight of silence begins to lie, which is not overcome in the way we usually respond - by intensified religious zeal, by swearing or by offering sacrifices (i.e. asceticism). It is as if these things do not interest God at all if the inner attitude of man is not in order. Often it is obedience on some particular issue about which God has spoken to man which is very important to Him. It doesn't help to leave it out and instead offer an overabundance of effort in ten other areas where we obey quite gladly.
Abram may have continued to run his farm judiciously, set an example for his neighborhood, and helped the poor who sought their camp. He gave generously to them out of the surpluses with which the farm abounded. But his inner life for the next thirteen years was split between two positions. The pleasure in his son and the joy in seeing his first steps and growth. But on the other side, the strange feeling that he had lost the intimacy of God, the blessing of heaven that had been so close to him before. In the moments when he realized this, the joy in Ishmael fell away and filled him rather with a certain gloominess. It was as if he did not know what to do next.
One day he was visited by some people with invitation to a meeting that was held in a large tent on the plain outside Gomorrah. They were smiling and trying to please Abram. God loves you, they told him. I know, Abram replied thoughtfully. He loves you just the way you are! I know, he said. And you don't have to do anything to make it so. Yes, I know that too. Will you come then to rejoice and receive new strength of faith?
He answered them, after some meditation, "Don't be angry, but I can't now. You mean well, but I won't fool myself. My heart is bleeding. For I have met the Lord face to face. It's not enough to paint heaven in my mind. I want to experience it for real, like I used to. But I can't, and I think I know why.
The only thing I don't know is how I can get it back."
